Wednesday, August 4, 2010

One day at a time

There was no clock in the room. So there was no time. Just an abandoned sense of passage of time. As world took baby steps toward the unwanted future, I lay still on my bed, white bedsheet with dark patches of midnight drool of last night. A polaroid. A snapshot.

I kept gazing at the upturned steel glass on the table. Its curved surface gave a distorted reflection of the world outside my window. My fenced window. My barbed window. My false window. The trees were upturned and strangely elongated. The ground blue as sky. Skies green and brown. And the inverted people, with their inverted logic and inverted sense of well being on the streets. i dare not see outside the window, just in case, the reflection may turn out to be true indeed. So I stare at the glass. The steel glass.

He was silent for long time. I turned my gaze to see if he was even there or not. But there he was reclining on the lime white washed wall, lost in his own thoughts. I repeatedly told him to stay away from the walls else the lime dust will ruin his clothes. He can be stubborn sometimes you know. I always wondered how he can stay so well dressed and clean shaved all the times. He says its but natural to him.

He chuckled, as he caught me staring.

"Maybe next time I will get you some of my clothes. Would you like that?"

"Maybe next time you stop meeting me forever. I would love that”, I said.

"Will you. Others outside who does not want us to stay together will love that. But I guess you won’t. You know i will get away from your life if you truly mean it."

"Ohh don’t you patronize yourself. I can survive without you. You need me as much I need you."

But inside we both knew how false it was. He did not need me a bit. But chances of my survival without him were bleak.

He looked quite a bit like me. Means if I get rid of my overgrown beard and maybe get a bit in shape, I am sure you can confuse between two of us. Maybe that’s why I trusted him from the beginning. It may sound odd but if someday you meet yourself on street and he asks you for help, would you just walk away. You may sure feel odd, but I bet you will end up helping him.

Our first meeting was equally strange. To tell the truth I don’t exactly remember how we met. All I remember was me sitting on the stone steps of Babughat, the river water few feet away spreading a humid and strangely comforting stench. Stench of human sweat that has over the years replaced the sweet water of the river i suppose.

And there he was, sitting two steps above me, even then smiling, as if he knew every thought that crossed my mind.

"You can try, but I doubt in such a crowded time they will let you drown. Someone will rescue you", he had said.

"I don’t want to die", I said. I was always bad with sarcastic comebacks.

"Neither do I. But isn’t it a discomfort knowing that, even if I wanted to, these strangers won’t even let me die."

I knew I would like him then and there.

The sky was suddenly darkening. Maybe a monsoon storm approached. Or maybe simply sun got tired of humanity and decided to abandon. But I will have to wait till tomorrow to know for sure.

I turned on my bed, now facing him, no actually, now confronting him.

"They think I am insane" I said, period.

"Are you?"

"Am I?"

"Insane, a person who is no more sane, that is funny", he said.

"How come that’s even funny"

"No the funny part is sane is also defined as a person who is not insane. No one cared enough to identify the differences. Maybe there are no differences. You may as well be sane and they be insane if you like that."

I felt a bit better. Maybe even they did. Maybe that’s why they mark me as insane, because it appeased their sanity, their make believe sanity.
Sanity is relative. Einstein missed it. I did not.

Somewhere a bell rang. Its high pitched gong absorbed by the thick walls and metamorphed into a soft clank. He gave me the goodbye smile. You know the smile where the happiness is just a veil to cover the pity in their eyes. A false assurance. A fake sense of understanding. A good riddance.

I looked again at the steel glass, the reflection of the distorted world. A world that promised not to judge my sanity, because everyone there is just as distorted as I am. A world free of you all, but filled with your ugly reflections.

The door unlocked from outside and the nurse walked in with my blue green pills. One pill for hypocrisy, one for a mock smile and the third one, a little big to make me differentiate between real and fake.

Nowadays I sometime do wonder if the door stays locked, how can he come inside to talk to me, but never stay to meet others. Maybe he just has the key. The key to my room. The key to me.

"I’m on the outside
I’m looking in ,

I can see through you
See your true colors,

Cause inside you’re ugly
You’re ugly like me"

-Outside, Staind


simply me said...

beautifully written....i would sure love to be happy and see the distorted image of the world but then again would love to know the difference between sanity and being insane :)

Niti said...

I quite like it. It travelled from child abuse to gay love story to drugs to finally schizophrenia/ multiple personality disorder in my head. Well written!

IcE MaiDeN said...

Of all the people whose blogs I have been on, I think I can identify the most with yours. Maybe because sometimes, like this time, you weave a story exactly as my mind would have :)

P.S: fellow Staind fan.. Hi5! :)

Chanz said...

Wow.... This is beautiful...

You got me engrossed in it... Beautiful...

nil said...

Nothing escapes my mind but "Wow".

Beautifully written, my friend.
Just beautiful.

Madhu said...

what a comeback! [were u gone in the first place? ] :P was gripping..especially those few dialougs...Geez!! Naaicce!!

Wish i get an inner call to get this right!

suruchi said...

Wow...needless to say I am floored again:-)
I think pretty soon I’d be a part of the floor if I keep getting floored like this!
Offoo...I know poor joke, but earnest sentiments:-)

The imagery of the inverted glass along with all the rest....classic!
Is there a Buckingfastard fan club anywhere?
I realllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyy wanna join!
U make me like fiction Bucking:-)

Dee said...

Great story, well written, with a hint of inner darkness!
I am glad I stumbled onto your blog.

bondgal_rulz said...

Whoa!! Quite a powerful one!!

The inverted steel glass part was undoubtedly the best!!!


blunt edges said...

I kinda figured where he was and what the whole deal was, but nevertheless fantastic narration! :)

buckingfastard said...

@simplyme: thank u soo much!! who wudnt love to know da difference between sanity and insanity...but i suppose if u never be insane..its hard to find out...insanity is relative u see!! :P

buckingfastard said...

@Niti: i loved ur take on the fiction...thou i never intended a gay love...but wen i re read it...i found how unintentionally i have potrayed the nuances of love between two men...thnkx fr revealing something new abt my own fiction!

buckingfastard said...

@annie: thats a huge compliment u know!! i m soo grateful!! maybe different ppls mind are not dat i was successful!!

glad to know u love staind!! hard to find staind fans u know!!

buckingfastard said...

@chanz: hey thanks!! to keep one engrossed is the main objective

@nil: jump to grab the escaped "wow"...mighty thnks dear!!

buckingfastard said...

@madhu: i suppose i wasnt gone...just being plain irregular and lazy!! :)

soo glad u loved the dialogues... i rarely use dialogues in fiction and was apprehensive abt its orginality...thnks for liking it :)

buckingfastard said...

@suruchi: no dere isnt a bucking fan club u see... we deal only wid air conditioners!! poor joke...but earnest sentiments u see!!

thank u for liking it...and nowadays...taking time out to read it!! :)

i m glad if i made u like fiction..coz dat a huge compliment to even carry :D

buckingfastard said...

@dee: phew!! glad u stumbled!! welcome here!! thanks soo much for liking it..and yea i m filled with inner it spill out!!

hope to see u around!

buckingfastard said...

@bondgal: thnkee soo much!! yea the inverted glass part is my fav too!! :)

@bluntu: i knew u wud!! atta boy!! take ur candy!! thnkx for liking it :)

eNiGmA said... more 'WoW' coming your way:) it was really captivating. and the steel glass with those inverted images was quite a discovery, kudos! you know what, your posts have a unique quality, most of them have a gloom surrounding them, but, amidst that darkness there is a hidden celebration,a celebration of being that way and finding a solace in those glooms. write more often, i like to read u :)

Splatters Of Ink said...

Excellent piece of writing. I've never read something like it.

nOt anyone you know said...

i want to write a lot as a reply to this...i am awed.
words fail me when i need them the most.

buckingfastard said...

@enigma: i am glad u like to read me....its a writer's security deposit!! yea...i m a big time it helps me to find enjoyment in the darkness of my own...well observed i hav to say

buckingfastard said...

@splatters of ink: welcome t my blog...sorry for dis obscenely late reply...thnkx fr the compliment...and thnkx fr saying its different...i kinda like different!!

buckingfastard said...

@anyone u know: i hope ur awed in a good way!! but yea...wen u get ur words let me know wat u wanted to write...i treasure comments!! :)

welcome to my blog