Saturday, June 28, 2008

The Great Indian Robbery- 1

Call it theft....call it robbery......or be the modernized scam......all in all its da same.......

Theft has been the identity character of India throughout history nd mythology..... frm da theft of loaf of bread to kingdoms.....we had been really gud at it.....

but thruout the question always remained ....who has been the best at it.....who made The Great Indian Robbery possible....

So out here I am rating top five mythological nd historical theft as of my knowledge(which i kno is really shitty)...nyways.... who cares!!!

"DECLARATION: All da events listed below are best of my historical nd mythological knowledge(haha!! as if i have any)..... nd has no resemblance to ny character living, dead or in coma!! So pls dunt mind.....nd if u do be happy coz u atleast got a mind to mind....."

So 1stly da top 5 mythological lochas:

5>Ramayana:Its OK to steal a pen....a car....a house maybe.....at most a person's whole property....but how about stealing a whole mountain.....Ok hanuman-da.....i understand u needed a herb...but better consult Google about how da herb luks dan bringin out da whole mountain...suppose ur family is plannin holiday in Ooty nd somebody cums nd tells u, u cant go to Ooty, it just now got stolen......ridiculous!!!

4>Ramayana: Kaikai stealin da rights of kingdom frm Rama for her son.....means with teary eyes nd hunger strike u deceive da king get da kingdom for ur son is not fair.....our MamataBannerjee does it all the time.....nobody even gave her a gud flat in kolkata leave alone government....

3>Mahabharata:Our very own Shakuni Mama stealing all frm da sweet Panadavas.....again....wat da heck....ya ya i kno u won it in a fair game of gamblin....but i have also studied Probability in +2....nd if u played fair.....wont u thing Daniel Ocean wud have taken u instead of other 10 Hollywood stars....wud have been cheaper.....

2>Mahabharata: Mr.Krishna.....ur da runners up.....man!!!.....u the mastermind of Ghee Ghotala....kept stealing thruout ur childhood nd the end u have a huge fan following.....how u manage it......our pickpockets need a serious lesson frm u......u rock

1>Ramayana: The dream of every Street Romeo....nd the benchmark of every Plastic surgeon.... u 10 headed cutie pie....stealing a gal frm a world class security system.....nd flying her off to Lanka nd dat also da gal of Shree Rama .......so Ravana ur da clear winner.....how in the hell u manage to hid ur 9 heads nd got a perfect sanyasi makeup.....our plastic surgeons r really baffled bout it......thts called real love......cummon everyone can pickup a dhanush nd shoot at some fish eye.....but kidnapping her off is kewl.....it takes real guts!!

Phew!!! Now dunt blame me....dis was the mythology supposed to teach us the better aspects of life.....nd it surely does!!!!

Thts da 1st installment of the Great Indian Robbery.....next time I will return wid da top five historical thefts....

nd if u think i missed some famous goof ups of our beloved Gods....be free to comment!!!

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Rendezvous in Rickshaw

" rickshaw or ricksha
Pronounced:
rick·sha
Noun
1. a small two-wheeled passenger vehicle pulled by one or two people, used in parts of Asia
2. a similar vehicle with three wheels, propelled by a person pedalling [Japanese jinrikisha] "

-This is da definition of the so called vehicle .....developed by gr8 love nd care by our neighbours...nd properly utilised by us.....


People who r frm "advanced" cities of India may not be quite acquainted wid either of the two kinds of these species.....but we in kolkata...have our bonding wid both...

So in a way of introducing u to it i can say....

they r kind-of tricycles....only difference is....here one hunger stricken being is responsible for carrying two fatballs frm one point to another widout some noticeable profit....

at the end of the day.....da fat balls put over them an extra layer of fat..which is peeled out of the famished body of da puller..... nature's perfect maths.....

but da amazing thing about it is this Japanese inventions after hundreds of years of stay in India has not been modified....even a bit.....

->it still have seats made in measure of those Japanese arse.....i dunt have any idea how our Indian fat butts manage to stick on dat.....

->dey do hav a foothold....but if our rickshaw puller dares to pull brake....da foothold ensures that no part of ur body is held bak....nd u skate down to mother earth....

->and the best thing they have is a pullover cover....thou it wont cover u frm neither rain nor American GPS enabled missile...but in India covers matters....


But wid all these "provisions" its still for all kolkatans the most favoured public transport...... a transport.....banning which can even cause our favoured government to overturn..... cause they have dere uses too:

1> in comin times then u will start gifting ur wife one ltr of petrol on anniversary in stead of a diamond pendent(coz ur wife always likes da most costly thng in market....watever it may be).....
human sweat will still get cheaper.....so a vehicle which runs on human sweat and also not urs ....is surely a necessity

2>we all at times luv to get wet in rain.....wat a better excuse dan got wet while coming in a rickshaw....wet ka wet and excuse ka excuse

3>next time ur child want to ride a animal....rickshaw can be fun ride for him......coz human is the only animal u can ride widout inviting Maneka auntie to ur home for dinner

4>and all those coo-chi-koo couples....i know how u feel wen da security guard watches u kissing ur galfrnd as if u r mixing saliva to make a new chemical bomb for Al-Queda......try it inside a rickshaw...peace guaranteed

5> OK u fat asses.....i have some thing for u too....rickshaw on kolkata roads is much better dan those African Sky Shop vibrators ( damn! i meant fat reducing vibrators....not da other ones)



So next time u see a Japanese.....thnk him on our behalf.....or at least enquire wats da secret of there microscopic arse!!

Saturday, June 14, 2008

K-night fall

Sorry Sourav da......thou Shahrukh uncle is richer by 8 crores......and u at last have some award to add to ur old TV shelf(whose rusted key u mite be busy oiling now).....both of u did suffered frm the above titled syndrome...

".........And then to compound the ersatz feudal note, a fifth team called itself the Kolkata Knight Riders. When did knights last ride through the streets of Kolkata? Who dreams up these names, anyway?........"

-These were the words of Shashi Tharoor, Sunday Times editorial

Thou in my wildest dreams i cant imagine Jyoti Babu and his dhoti clad antiques(for obvious age reasons) of our very own CPM(Chauvinist Part of Murderers) ridin horses thru the streets of kolkata....

what matters more is those Nandigram "cadres" may have performed much better thn the lousy team u ppl selected......
I dunt blame Mr Shahrukh "Dard-e-disco" Khan.....he was nyways trained to be the bad boy of Hockey......

but wat went into our Ganguli-da's head....put some of me and those under performing novices and we can win those Royals out dere.......and yes tarka of Shohaib will be delicious too....

Can't blame those kiddos thou.....after Priety Zinta hugged her Kings after the victories....may be Shahrukh also provided dem wid similar kind of "lucrative" opportunities....who takes the risk....

But at da end be happy kolkata ppl.... :-

->we have one more shahrukh song for ur new ipod ( oh no.....now dunt think i m flaunting my new 80 GB classic ipod)

->we have a state rich wid gold reserves ....in next season shahrukh is also planning platinum pubic gaurd....

->we at last have something better to reply to Punjabi's "chakde"......and "korbo lorbo jitbo" sounds inspirational.....

->we have da most kewl luking jersey and thou Rbk pinches ur pocket u can still get them easily frm our esplanade markets....who knows.....and thou u will luk dumb on streets....did u thought u lukd smarter earlier

->nd next time during team selection change ur name as some McMukherjee or McChatterjee....and tada....u will find urself in middle of Eden wid we throwing eggs on u.....

Thursday, June 12, 2008

INDIA: Million mutinies now

"India is one of the most hot and sweaty country one can ever see.....and if that was not all people dere is also hairy......

they have hair .....here there and everywhere.......
so when god were making Indians.....he was in mood for fun.....he called all his mates and told...... look i m going to send dis species to the most fucking hot place on earth....and just.....just for fun.....i am gonna make them hairy......"

---Those were the words of Russell Peters.....Canadian cum Indian stand up comedian

So welcome to India:

a country...where u cant enter from the north widout displacing one guy....at da south India into da ocean.....
and after u get in....the guy who is by now half drowned in the water.....snorts at u and says....."haha.....now u r the loooser"

a country....where government uses fresh...pollution free air to kill people....coz we r adapted to smog pretty well now.....

So have u ever thought wat went wrong wid we ppl just below the Himalayas....tht we suddenly started procreating our own species like sum kinda "zygote revolution"....

cummon.....luk at countries like Afganisthan...Khazagistan....and all those Bullshit-sthans......where a group of more than 3 ppl is sighted....its national news....

I doubt its all due to China......they must hav given us a challenge....."lets see u Indians niggers.....u ppl r anyways lousy in producing electronic goods....so atleast.....procreate humans faster dan us".And by da time we r on the way to win da challenge....they snort at us like dat by-now-already-drowned-south-Indian,
"Haha fools....u forgot to notice that ur country is not so large as us and ur overloaded"

But who knew....we Indians has already knew of a better plan.....they had bribed Columbus to find a country of dumber ppl.....and parcelled half of the population dere disguised as engineers.....

So Chinese....keep pullin ur blunt nose....we r smarter!!!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Back 2 Bedlam

Its well said--"You never win the silver......u always lose the gold"- dunno who said it.......
I have always justified dis statement.......
by the way I m 'Satan'.....haha may not be the real one.....but believe me if a non-Asian tries pronouncing my name he will get 2 nothin better dan dis......

hence after loads of making and breaking of resolutions.....this one fine day i realize i have done nothin in my life......not even tried to bore nyone.....thus dis bold venture......

I kno u dunt want to kno any damn thing abt me....but why shud i care.....its my blog.....get ur ass out of here and surf porn if u dunt wanna read ny further....

but all about me I wanna say is dat.... I m not a loser......hence dat starting quote:

I m kinda guy who just before reaching the finishing line realizes.....oh fuck, why am i running?....and by the time the i get bak to my goal.....its all messed up......

So i m basically a guy......who is just a bit less successful than his parents expectation.......just 2 inches shorter dan his girlfriends expectation......has hair just few inches longer than da relatives expectation......is bit less serious dan my frnd's expectation.....bit less cordial dan "elders" expectation.....nd a bit more boring dan ur expectation.......

I m da guy.....who u see and u cant exactly place in any particular category......

nd dis is my blog....where i will discuss almost nythin......frm politics to poultry......frm life to laundry......frm endurance to envy.....(cant help.....they just rhymed well!!)