Thursday, February 4, 2010

Death and All his friends!!

Date: 04/02/2010

Today I got this diary from my LIC agent. I never really wrote diary before. I am a constable for god sake. I am not supposed to be poetic. But 20 years of service in the filth of my city has sure left me with lot to tell.

In my life I have seen this city weep. I have seen it fall. I have seen my city decay. But still not for one day I was not amused by it. Few incidents do leave a mark on you.

I distinctly remember few years back I went to his flat. The distinct smell of rot told me waited for me inside. He lay reclining on the wall. A small puddle of dried blood around his left hand which was carefully placed away from himself, and an unfinished cigarette bud on his lap.

In the glow of the morning sun and the buzz of the flies over him, I saw a distinct satisfaction on his face. A smirk that intrigued me.

And on the nearby table a neatly folded piece of paper. A letter.

I am Abani Chatterjee, BA English Honrs. If you are the first person reading this letter I assume you are from police or medical attendant. So let me clarify no one forced me into this. My regret will be that I have no one to stop me from doing this.

I expect this letter to lie trapped between the pages of my death certificate and reports in my closed dusty FIR file. But if possible after the investigation is over, tear it up and throw it in any drain nearby, I want me to flow around Calcutta.

I am Abani Chatterjee and this is my story. If you are busy investigating my case I suggest you stop reading here because I assure you I have nothing more important to disclose here on.

Have you ever noticed the yellow light in a traffic signal? Maybe you miss it most of the time. I have always been that yellow light, not the red which everyone hates and avoids neither the green to bring smile and hope on those sweat ridden faces of hurry. But the yellow, often missed in the hustle of reigniting your engine and embarking on your journey.

Only people who were ever happy about me were my parents. But again they were happy about everything. I never saw them fight, or love. They never shouted at each other. For days they even forget to talk with each other. They always agreed on every step of life.

They never scolded me on my pathetic report cards; slowly they even forgot to ask for them. Then I realised that they were not happy, they were plain indifferent, to me and to each other. They were what I was to be in future.

I was never a good talker. So friends were something I never had. I grew up with that small abandoned water bottle in the back of our class. We silently used to stare at each other and share our boring little lives.

I never remember crying. Crying is for weak they say. Crying is for human I say. No one taught me feelings; no one gave me hope, so disappointment never visited me.

I remember once I pee-ed in my pants. And how dumbly I went to others and showed them my wet pants so they could laugh at me make fun and maybe talk with me.

I am abani Chatterjee and I never had my picture on the school yearbook.

She is happily married now. Once she said she will always be with me. I guess she forgot. Sadly forgetting is bit hard for me.

Those 2 years with her was when life forgot to be miserable with me.

She was afraid to hold my hand in college. She said she hated displaying affection, I knew she was embarrassed of me. I smirked and hid myself to meet her in the back lanes of college square where we had those thick glasses of cheap lassi.

She loved my broken English poems that rhymed too much. I knew they were pathetic. But I still loved to see the pity in her eyes for me when I read in the soft sun of Maidan.

Pity looks similar to love and I was happy.

She stammered a lot the day she said that she wants to be single. I knew she was in love with someone else, and pity can never win over love. So I lost.

I am Abani Chatterjee and I have only kissed the soft skin of my wrist in the darkness of my room.

I tried, trust me; I tried hard to live, to love. I have 37 chat friends whose real name I don’t know. But they are nice, they don’t find me boring, they listen to whatever I say and reply with link of varied porn sites. It’s funny how sometime a porn site is solution to all your problems.

I am Abani Chatterjee and I masturbate 4 times a day.

To tell you the truth being alone is not that harsh as it sounds. In this overflowing city of mine, loneliness is a bliss I suppose. But slowly this voidness seeped into me. Even so that I was an intruder to my own privacy.

I have spent 22 years of my life with me, and seriously I am bored of myself.

I am bored of the fact that on my birthday only wish i get is a computer generated SMS from my bank.

Surely I don’t approve of suicide. That’s what losers do isn’t it? But if someday you realise that throughout your life you have been nothing better than a loser, what will you do?

All I can say that I have no guilt in my life; I am just a bad outcome of the game of probability. But life has stopped to excite me.

I am Abani Chatterjee and this is when I say Goodbye.

PS: My apologies to my neighbour, hope they don’t have to deal with the rotten smell of my decayed self for long.

Apperently Kolkata Police did not required a letter to make the assessment. The case was soon closed. But I fell in love with Abani. Today I freed him to flow around his city. Hope he is happy!!

(*** Its not a fiction I suppose...Maybe it is!!...point is i wanted to tell something about myself and apparently I needed a character to hide be it!! Question is if its my life, shouldn't the choice of death be mine too?? wat u think!!)

"It was a lie when they smiled
And said, “you won’t feel a thing”"

-Disenchanted,My Chemical Romance


Meenakshi said...

touching story..well narrated.. Abani is a guy a lot of my friends(in real life) would have very well related to while in their college years..

decision of death would be the silliest decision anyone would take.

Don't know what was going through your mind when you wrote the words in the bracket or the post itself; but I can assure you one thing; after 9 years when you look back you'd laugh at yourself.

Don't believe?? I am not saying this just 'cos I have learnt Psychology but because I have had 2 failed attempts at suicide; and belive me I can't help feel relived that I din't succumb to that foolish steps and yes when I look back at it,I can't stop smiling thinking wat a dunce I was..

Live..there are more people than you can think of who genuinely care for you.. Live for yourself..

I get bored of my Mom's food at times, I just take a break -eat mostly from restaurants around office for some days and I re realise the worth of my mom's food. Quitting is no option at all.

COMMUNI said...

You actually got me reading this one, for I always discard such long posts.

Touching one yaar.. I think everyone has an Abani in them. Sometimes you feel so alone even when you're in a crowd. Sometimes, you feel so worthless to live. Sometimes you feel there's noone to care about you.

But inspite of all that, there's only one life. And you've to live it to understand it.

Anonymous said...

Hai Satan!!
I was like happy to see a new post here! But dear I am scared now! will get over anything thats upsetting you right now soon... trust me.
And whats the point in having somebody who never really loved or understood you ever miss her.
Well written!But forget all this here! And cheer up dear!!!!!

Anonymous said...

And hey!! The blog award pic in your blog!!!
I am so happy you liked it my dear sweet frnd!
(my real -real name)

Madhu said...

very well written...i dont know what i would do...well its painful..i am kinda going thru a nobody-values-my-love phase..:) Been kicked when ive already sure twists around for such people..:( It hurts..:( Terribly..:(

Chanz said...

Boy, this post really caught me. I could feel the pain in the letter. I could almost imagine Abani Chatterjee with his eyes filled with sorrow.

Its just so realistic that I got lost while reading it. I didnt realise that its from a guy who has his name as buckingfastard...

Really good BF.. Its amazing... But I feel sad reading it...

bliss said...

shit man, you shouldn't do this with words every time you write. 'i am just a bad case of probability'!!!!! or sth like that. i dunno, some of it was me, some wasn't. but it was honest and nice. what can i say, awesome!!! needless to say, with your posts, i could go on to read forever!!! great one yaar!!! but i have said that before, havent i???

bliss said...

'pity resembles love' loved this one too. you know, you have a way of telling things we see all the time or maybe you just have a different perspective. well, as to your question, ithink none of this is our choice. we didnt come into this world with our choice. our heat beats every single day and we dont do ath to make it happen. someday when it decided to quit its job, we wouldnt be able to do ath to stop it. so just as much death should be our choice, it isnt. our only choice is to live for as long as we can1!!!! thats my take, at least.

Pesto Sauce said...

Please change font color to something visible

blunt edges said...

the writing...awesome!

they say if u manage 2 write a serious post n touch a chord, u have scaled the art of writing...leave alone touching a chord...u had me gripped there buddy! brilliant stuff!

the 'i'm abani chatterjee...' lines n the probability one were top-notch!

n now coming 2 the note at the end...i seriously hope u r kidding...4 times a day? may stop working after a while! ;)

Thousif Raza said...

thats some strong writing... i mean this post gave more punches than mike tyson in a match.... goddamn... nice one

take care and keep writing..........

Xtreme_Great said...

Things get bad, might always be bad. But what you are about to make of it is always up to you. The decision is yours and yours alone.

The West Wind said...

Amazing post.. simply amazing. Such emotion packed into words.. I guess we all have such times in life when we feel worthless.. but once past this phase we realise the value of ourselves and our lives. Fighting on.. is a part of life. I hope this was fiction :D And Goodluck!!

buckingfastard said...

@meenakshi:hey dats da whole idea of my blog...i wanna giv my ID to my son/daughter when he/she turns 16...dey can laugh over me!!!

btw...pls pls...pls tell me how u tried to suicide...i hav dese petty habit to kno hw everyone wants to kill themselves!!

buckingfastard said...

@communi: ya re!! i also hate long post!!! so i dont hold it against nyone who cudnt reach da end!!!

and being a fellow myopic reader...if u really hav read thru da end...i kno hw valuable it is....thnks re!!!

buckingfastard said...

@yummyladdu: ooo dear!!u kno i m always goin to call u this only!!! :P

btw to u and to all of oder concerned fraands!!! I AM NOT KILLING MYSELF!!! not dat i m particularly happy abt my life....but i am da only me i got!!! cant help!! :)

everything is fiction xcept maybe da masturbation part!! kk 4 times is exaggeration

but truly its maybe its da only blog post writing wich i may hav cried a bit!!! ohh i m such a crybaby!!

buckingfastard said...

@ madhu: life sure sucked fr Abani!! and i m sure if i m to be abani sumday i wud hav choosen death....but u see abani is nt a blogger... being a blogger at da end of da day we hav we anonymous friends to fall back on!!! kudos to life!!

buckingfastard said...

@chanz: no intention to make u sad!! but still if it made u sad!!! a sad yippee fr me to get da point across!!!

in sum ways this letter has been written by abani!!! each and every line were written wen i was specifically fuckd up wid life...!! may abani RIP

buckingfastard said...

@bliss: yay!! spot on!! see i knew u wud choose my fav lines...cheers!!!

thnx fr allllll da compliments!!!!!:D

maybe da best answer to my question!! if i dint had my choice in my birth...maybe i shudnt have it fr my death too...still i hav wishes!!!

buckingfastard said...

@bluntu: ohh thank u bro!! means a lot...

yes dose "i am abani.." lines took me most brainstormin!!! :P

FICTION...its all FICTION!! 4 times not fr me dear!!!i wont giv u da actual number...psst!! gals read dis blog re!!!

buckingfastard said...

@Pesto Sauce: Please check if is blocked on ur server or not!!! coz my background image is loaded on flickr....if u hav flickr blockd dan da website wont load da background resulting to white background wich will make da font illegible!! else u may be having a very low net speed..refresh 1-2 times if u can!!! pls lemme kno if it workd

buckingfastard said...

@thousif raza:(** looks at my non existent biceps...thinks abt beatin mike tysib and grins**) hey welcome to my blog....and thnks fr dat huuuge compliment!! :D

keep visiting re!!

buckingfastard said...

@Xtreme_great: u see dats da problem...da decision abt me being wid me...maybe dats what stops many of us frm killin ourselves...

thnkx and welcome :D

Anonymous said...

Yeah! Don't kill yourself!
I don't want a ghost frand after all!

:~)Was waiting for your reply to the comments to let us know you are all fine!!

Cheer up..everybody's life gets boring at some or the other point of time!

And is 4 really an exaggeration :~P

buckingfastard said...

@ west wind: :D yep dat was fiction and only fiction!! i m not goin to kill ex will be too happy to sustain it :P

being in 21st century...maybe dats shud be da 1st lesson to giv ur kids....fight on!! damn!!! fight on!!!

buckingfastard said...

@yummyladdu: oo pls ghost frnds r gud..i can be naughty casper!!! but point is do dey hav net service in not sure...cant risk it u see!!

i m not off u ppl's bak so soon re!!!

4 orgasms a day!!! well lucrative but monotonous...and chiks dunt dig guys wid masturbation syndrome u see!!

Chanz said...

u have been tagged... check ma blog

Sorcerer said...

simply superb dude!

Chhaya said...

Suicide is a constant temptation. the thought that you can just fall asleep and never wake up to face this horrid world again is so comforting.. yet... I insist.. those who cant/dont cry are not all suicidal. I am one of them. I dun remember when I cried the last time.. I m a loner by choice. I dun like talking more than I absolutely have to.. but I wud rather kill than kill myself.

buckingfastard said...

@Chanz: thnkx fr tagging:)

will try to do it asap!!!

@sorcerer: welocome and thnkx fr dose nice words :)

keep visiting

buckingfastard said...

@chhaya: true!! but da fact dis ppl who can drain dere pain in emotion outburst r lucky den we loners dunt u think!! :)

JoHn said...

brilliant writing


Niti said...

I like the narrative. draws you in and keeps you there.
first time here. should be around more. :)

suruchi said...

Absolutely awesome BF*since i don’t know ur name*
I am so sorry for not having come here earlier...
And so unabashed to admit that i am so floored by what u write...i just read all the posts here and now that i feel good*the kind you feel after reading something worthwhile* i am getting down to commenting....

When i first began reading said “i am a constable....” and i looked again at ur pic...and thinking u don’t look like one..and then 20 years in service...the language n expressions as i read further again confused me about the same*no offence to constables...but the expressions here were too good*...n before u write me off as dumb...thankfully by the end of it i realized this was fiction...

But then it brought a shudder down my spine...
The entire letter is so in ur face that u can’t help but get effected
Kudos my friend, for such a brilliant inception of thought n absolutely fab interpretation in writing...
I am a complete fan now...n promise to be around:-)

for now...i am totally stirred by ur writing:-)

bondgal_rulz said...

This was FUCKING brilliant!!!!!!!

Damn!!!!! You had me on the verge of tears!!!!

The yellow light, the bottle at the back of the class.....I've not seen indifference being explained in a more refreshing way!

Wow!!! I'm in awe!!!

Like really!!!!

*Bows to you*


buckingfastard said...

@john: thnk u :) and welcome here!! :D

@niti:ohh dats completely my intention to draw u ppl in and keep u here forever ;)

welcome and keep coming!!!

buckingfastard said...

@suruchi: sorry fr da laaaate reply....i was goin thru a hating phase towards my bak to likin in again :)

haha!! apologies fr not comin to my blog!! now dats new!! how am i supposed to react!! "koi baat nahi jii...formality shormality choro...apna hi blog samjho ji"

yes i m gonna take me not lookin like a constable as a compliment :D

nd thnk u for those extravagant praises...i m up in air wid pride!!! somebody get me down!!

buckingfastard said...

@bondgal: ohh thnk u!! thnk u!!

no intention to make u cry thou!!! it was just a factual fiction(watever dat means)!!!

dat was da sweetest FUCKING comment!!

bondgal_rulz said...

N a gramatically worng one at that!!!

I was so awed that I apparently started inventing words of my own. :D

Anyway, was here to read the new post, but it's kinda long and I'm reallllyyyyyy tired today. Will be back soon. :)


Shady said...

The Only feeling that I get after this is "shit I am glad I am not him "

Death does take away all the suffering.

suruchi said...

Hi.I shared this on my face book page with my friends...
n there is a sea of comments flooding there*okay...a little exaggeration...not sea..a river...acha lake to pucca se*

U rock...n now more people on the planet think so too:-)

Keep writing:-)
N please don't get down stay up in the air:-)

The Bald Guy said...

So he killed himself for a girl?

The Bald Guy said...

So he killed himself for a girl?

buckingfastard said...

@shady:even i m glad i m not him...its scary to be Abani isnt it!!

buckingfastard said...

@suruchi: ahh now dat explains da traffic from facebook...i spend one whole harassed afternoon searching facebook as in where r ppl getting my link i blacklisted or sumthing...coz i never share my blog link on my profile...ny frnds dunt even kno i blog

it was really sweet of u!! i can see da puddle of comments coming :P

buckingfastard said...

@bald guy: well he killed himself for many things...and yes the girl was one of the reasons!!!

arent gals reasons behind every action of man!!! :)


Shady said...

I dont wanna be like this , damn its scary I felt the pain but I dont wanna be him.

suruchi said...

Hey Bf...
Your friends don’t know you blog?
You are so should be bragging about it!

Now does that mean it would be a humungous task finding you on facebook?:-(
And worse still...incase you found me*hint, hint...find me* in all probability I would delete you for I won’t know it is THE BUCKINGFASTARD visiting me:-(

Sigh! Sigh!
And one harassed afternoon...aww...koi na...I guess your secret is still safe...:-)

suruchi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
suruchi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
TurbulentMind said...

touched..the indifference was brought out really well ((especially Abani's realisation of it))..and the refrain (can i call it that?)..i am a fan!

buckingfastard said...

@turbulentmind: thnkx very much!! hope being my fan i can keep up wid the huge expectations!! :)

arshat.chaudhary said...

Dude! I am simply amazed by your genius...
I can go on and on praising you, but I get such praises on my site a lot,and I am too selfish to let you experience the same exhilaration..
But dude!

Mani Lalwani said...

Excellent narration,
loved going thru ur blog !
Frm the "Hostel aka Jail plight" to "The Man with many pasts" have read it all yesterday night.
and, This has to be the post of ur blog 4 me..
Loved it :)